Conversion Part TWO

So this website is run by “active” Mormons. I mean really, it’s not anti Mormon then, right? WRONG!! It’s not anti Mormon if it’s filled with “facts” and “quotes” about and from general authorities, right? WRONG!!! So very, very wrong. Ok, so to be fair it is filled with actual facts about Joseph Smith. But they have twisted these facts into something evil. Yeah, evil. I can’t think of another word to describe it. I became obsessed with this website. I spent every single extra minute I had doing my “research”. I read at work, on the bus and at home. It consumed my life and my soul. I decided to have my name officially removed from the records of the church. Not only did I do that but because I had a few people asking me about my activity in the church I decided that it would be a great idea to publicly announce my resignation on Facebook. Oh and was I ever dramatic about it. I didn’t let my family know before hand. They were angry and hurt which just fueled my fire even more. I had a new lifestyle. I had to live up to that. No one understood how I could do such a thing. And to be honest, I didn’t understand how they could stay in a church that had so much “history”. FINALLY I was FREE!! Yes, finally. Free as a bird. I took flight. I flew right into a tattoo shop and got a black bird singing tattooed on my leg. Yes, I was free. I was finally free of true happiness and the Spirit of God in my life. I was finally “happy”. I had chosen for myself and I was living my “authentic” life. I loved showing off my true, authentic, new “self” on social media. I lived for it. I’m rolling my eyes just typing this now. Oh I was so dumb! But I thought I was so smart! I was free, remember? I started drinking. A lot. A real lot. I filled my fridge with beer and wine. The liquor store was now on my list of regular stops. Yep, free as a bird!! Black bird singing in the dead of night kind of free. I even took pictures of my fridge and posted them, yep on social media. Eye roll… I had a few people unfriend me on Facebook. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why they would do such a thing! Weren’t they taught not to judge and to love everyone? Well, yes but that doesn’t mean that I HAVE to be part of their life. I was bringing them down. Who wants that in their life? No one. I in turn unfriended everyone in my ward (almost everyone). I’ll show them! Hate consumed me. It flowed through my veins. Darkness clouded my eyes and my heart. I only cared about myself. Soon after my lovely announcement my Dad emailed me and told me that he had a good friend who is a mission president here in Utah. He asked if I would be willing to talk to them. Sure, why not. Again, I’ll show them who’s really right! Game on! Bishop May had already received my resignation letter and I did agree to meet with him. He told me that a fresh start is probably what I needed. And he told me that I had two options I could immediately resign or I could wait 30 days. I told him I would wait the 30 days. I met the mission president and his wife. They came over to our house and we talked openly. I told him that I always had and will continue to have a testimony of God. I lied. He then said that there was one thing that I could do to show God that I loved Him and that I had faith in Him and that was to not have my name removed. I agreed. What just happened??? I agreed? I was so mad at myself. I had so much respect and admiration for this couple that I couldn’t help myself. If there was any way to become like them I’d take it. So I sent my bishop a text. Yes, I didn’t even call him. He let me know that he was proud of me. And so the months went by. I still read that website everyday. As an added bonus I joined several ex mormon groups on facebook. We even met for coffee once a month. It was my support group. Finally I found some people who understood what I was going through. I found some true friends. Another eye roll… I was a very, very, very active participant in these groups. No sitting on the sidelines for this girl. No sir!! I had a couple of LDS friends email me and tell me that they too had doubts and the floodgates of filth opened and spewed from my mouth. Oh I was so happy for them that they were finally seeing the true light. I was given some “pass along” cards at one of these coffee meetings. These were cards promoting the website. These were meant to open eyes to the truth. I carried them with pride. I couldn’t wait to hand these out. I’m not kidding when I tell you that I took my temple recommend out of my wallet and replaced it with these cards...

My bird